sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I want to fling myself into the sun
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
