Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
