I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
