so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
