I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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