Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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