look no pants
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
