ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
no, he came in my armpit
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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