i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
There's always time for handjobs
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
