True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
