According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Randomize
