i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
