Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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