when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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