Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Randomize
