Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
