I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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