Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
