Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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