You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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