it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize