But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
