I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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