imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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