Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
