I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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