she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
