Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
