her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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