Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
