it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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