Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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