1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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