Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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