Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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