Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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