When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
