Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
