does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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