he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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