One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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