mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I have already put on my inside pants.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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