I will die if light touches me.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
