So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
