It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
