last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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