oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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