I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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