he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
