I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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