I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
