you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
