in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize