so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
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Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
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3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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