I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
