Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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