I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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