I think I won the penis lottery.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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