i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
