the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
