You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
