I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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