you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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