Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize